While he remained by my side and was supportive of most my needs, he never grieved with me. He was always so strong. Which I appreciated, but felt alone.
A few days ago, he was acting odd. Suspicious, I broke the major rule of trust in a loving relationship and snooped through his texts. I found texts between him and some girl from his past where he told her he was not really with me, that he had no feelings for me, we weren't sleeping together and he's planning on moving out. The texts were only for two days.
Betrayed and hurt, I confronted him. He's very smart, so if he wanted to hide it, he would have. He said he just needed someone to listen to him, that he wanted someone to build him up. And I know that it's plausible that he was just trying to garner her sympathy while making it seem like he was available so she would continue talking to him and he was already feeling guilty so why not do something that allows actual guilt?
My issue now, do I dare trust him again? Could he be lying to me, and not her? I love him, more so I'm IN love with him, so I want to think he made a stupid mistake because he was in pain. But is it possible I'm an idiot? Do I trust that he says he's done talking to her? Do I have a right to go through his phone again?
Thank you for your time.
---K.
GOODNESS! There’s a lot going on so I’ll take my time and give my opinion on this matter.
First off…I’m sorry for the loss. Pregnancy can be a difficult time for a woman and to loss a child after already being told you couldn’t have children would leave any woman an emotional wreck. Please know that many women have been in the same position as you, and there are support groups (online even!) that can help you through and after such a difficult period in your life.
Secondly…Yes you were wrong snooping through his phone and NO, I don’t think you have a right to go through his phone again. I have to admit, I recently did the same to a friend of mine (recent meaning the past year…) and once a couple loses that trust, it’s very hard to regain. Instead of snooping, let me suggest talking to him. Communication is always key. I know it sounds cliché but it really is the most important thing in a relationship.
Lastly…I think you should go with your heart, wherever that may lead you. If you chose to stay with him, be cautious. I am not a man so I can’t rationalize what men do BUT I have dealt with women and men who have experienced infant loss. A lot of the time, the man feels it’s his responsibility to stay strong for the woman but he is experience pain at the same damn time. He can’t (and won’t) expect you to be there for him so he might turn to someone else. What bothers me about this is his comments…specifically him planning to move out. In my mind I’m thinking “Is he saying what she wants to hear so he can stay at her house until he finds another place to go?” Think about it. Obviously you are asking because there is some doubt…I don’t think you’re an idiot but love will make you do some silly things. Is he lying to you? Is he lying to her? The only one who knows that for sure is him. Normally I'd suggest time apart but you live together. However, if you can take a few days apart to clear your heads, please do. Right now things are muddled, and bad decisions are made when we can't see clearly.
I believe in second chances but I also believe in putting yourself first. You have to look at the situation and decide what’s best for you. Everyone deserves to have happiness. Make sure you find yours.
Steph B-More
Got questions? Email me at: flyspacequeen (at) gmail.com
Column will run every Friday. Sometimes written, sometimes vlogged. Always awesome.
Ugh, I hate this type of situation. Personally, I feel as if going through someone else's phone is completely taboo, no matter the scenario or situation. My wife and I have no secrets from each other, but even we don't do that. We may sneak the occasional glance while one is texting someone else or even when the phone rings, but when the other person isn't around or not looking? Off limits.
ReplyDeletePersonally, his words seem a bit harsh and I'd put a vote up for leaving the sucker. Despite how he may or may not be grieving over the loss of the child, his actions aren't kosher and just scream "I'm trying to play you!" The fact that he not only said these things, but said them to another woman and a woman from his past, at that...I think you should jump ship.
And as a man, that is one of the hugest fouls you can pull: going through our stuff. If you feel like you even need to do such, you've already given yourself some answers. It means you don't really trust him. Plus, you know what the old folks say: you go looking for something, you'll find it. Don't set yourself up to get dissed again in the future...
The most important thing in a relationship is simple RESPECT!!!! This relationship is a lost cause at this point. Both parties should cut their losses here. Respect must be mutual at all times. No I will not go through my wifes phone, she also will not go through mine. There's a mutual respect where as we won't go through one anothers phones, as well as the respect to not engage in activities outside of our marriage. Simply put, with respect all else follows.
ReplyDeleteEven as a younger guy, I can give a respectable perspective. When you go through your mate's phone, especially to gain some type of information on a sensitive matter like that, you have compromised how secure you are in your relationship. I was recently engaged and that was a problem. My phone was constantly raided but I didn't care because I had nothing to hide. It did bother me when it first happened but I through my standards out the door and settled for less. My advice is simply, don't do it.
ReplyDeleteAs far as his text messages go? That's a WHOLE different ball game. If I was in that position, I would leave. There isn't anything you can tell me to change my opinion as far as what he was texting another woman. Hell, I've DONE it!!!! I would text another girl that I was feeling her more or laddi daddi da and actually mean it. I didn't just text the other girl some bull, I'm too blunt to hide whatever it is that I'm feeling as far as a girl,relationship, jump off or any of the above. You can do as you so choose, I just don't think it sounds right. You also have to think if he is trying to stall for whatever reason. He might be at a war and trying to play the field with you two, not necessarily sure of who he wants to ACTUALLY be with. Tred water smoothly with this...
I mean, it's clear dude tryna pull off the one feat all men wish they could; jugglin two bitches at the same time. If she forgives him and agrees to work through the issue, all that's going to do is give him the GREEN LIGHT to continue playing her.
ReplyDeleteSolution for the chick: Cut him off and keep it movin...
Solution for the dude: Buy a prepaid phone and hide it in a potato chip bag buried in the backyard, and only use that phone for girlfriend #2
LMFAO!!! A potato chip bag, though? Yea, cuz the shiny foil liner will help keep any spy satellites from picking up it's cheating signals! Now THAT'S advice!
DeleteYou're speaking to a man that's been there. My plan was fool-proof until she decided to pick up a new hobby called gardening.
DeleteBlessing in disguise, I guess...cuz #2 is now #1.
Thank god for hoes. (Double Entendre)
Dude, I'm dying laughing over here!!!
DeleteAs a woman that has lost a child, I know the hurt that you are feeling. You have my condolences. He has been there for you because you two have lost a child. He may not have grieved with you, but he is grieving in his own way. *Sigh* As for going thru his phone, you were wrong. But, he is also wrong for not sharing with you his feelings about you first. I have been in this kind of situation a couple of times. He acts odd and I check his phone/emails/facebook and I find out the reason why. Yes, the saying is when you look for something you will find it. You now know the reason is for his odd behavior. The real question is what are you going to do with the information? You may think that you are in love, but you have been only together for 6 months. I don't know how long you two have been living together, but I believe that you only know parts of him. His representative. I don't think that you two have been together long enough to know everything about each other. My husband and I have been married for a year and we have been friends for 15 years and we still don't know EVERYTHING about each other.
ReplyDeleteYou are not an idiot. Ignorant to the facts of the whole picture, but not an idiot. No, you don't have the right to go thru his phone again. If you feel that you have to because you think he is not explaining his odd behavior when you ask him, then there is really no need for you two to continue the relationship. I could see if you were married, then I would tell you to try to make the relationship work until all options were exhausted, but you two are not married. So you have one of two options: 1. Make an escape plan and give yourself a short timeline to get your shit straight and leave. 2. If you stay with him, prepare yourself for the chance that you might find condoms/numbers in his pockets when you do his laundry, have chicks who might be bold enough to knock on your door and tell you that they fucking your man, or even worse that she's pregnant with his kid. He might not do any of the above, but it doesn't mean that it can't happen. Put yourself first and do what makes you happy. Only after you're happy, you think about making other people happy.